yesterday i felt gloomy. the day was gray. i wish all days were like that. i dont aim for happiness after all -- happiness means ignorance.
but honestly i also just like the way sad feels. i like the way sleeping too much feels. i like the way struggling to get out of bed feels. that may sound weird but im really serious... it feels comforting in a way. the feeling of puffy eyes you get after crying. the fluffy blankets i insist on clinging to even though its hot and my mother wont let me turn on the ac... or else the electricity bill will skyrocket. no, that cannot happen. we need to save as much money as possible.
i cry because i have to go back to school. i cry when i remember how much my mom spends on my antidepressants. i cry because i want to stay in bed. i cry when i think of the times when id cut myself relentlessly. and i cry because deep down, i want to do it again. and i cry because its so unfair. i should be able to do whatever i want to my body, its mine. i often dream of dragging a sharp blade across my forearms. watching the blood drip drip drip. i never liked the smell though. it would have been way nicer if it smelled like vanilla. that way i wouldnt have to spend money on vanilla perfume. i wish i bled vanilla syrup.
but we cant have everything we want, can we?
"i seem to only know myself when im alone."
living in the present is so difficult. i cant focus on what is in front of me when i know impending doom is looming over my head and the past is still haunting me. it all paralyzes me. the guilt of everything that happened. the question "what do you want to be when you grow up?" too. i have thought about it.
i want to be a martyr.
"you're here because of you."